i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
