Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Randomize
