Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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