remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
