i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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