I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize