The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
