i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
