Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
