It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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