Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
