I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
