2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
