I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize