on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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