We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
