what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
