im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
