Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
