And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
