I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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