How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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