I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
