remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
