please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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