Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
