my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
