isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
