My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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