just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I said "one day" and that day is not today
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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