Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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