he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
