New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I love having hate sex.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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