So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
