shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
