She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
