am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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