Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Randomize
