this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize