Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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