you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
