I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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