you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
