its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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