When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
