Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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