I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
