I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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