bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
