So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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