Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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