the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
