Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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