apparently the secret to your success is patron
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
