I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize