dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
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