operation harelip BJ is a go
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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