You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
