Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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