If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
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