dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
