the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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