oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize